meh i don't wanna be 20

'20 going on.....'
Tired at 20 years old
Memory collecting before his time
Recall the old stomping ground
I see a tear welling up in his eye

No, you can't cheat time, don't let that control your life
Hold your breath, close your eyes, just jump in, the water's fine

These pleas fall on deaf ears
Ears that were once tuned to truth
A dated, washed up old man
He's seen it all, nothing else for him to do

No, you can't cheat time, don't let that control your life
Goes over your head, you look over your shoulder
When you turn back you're that much older

It slips away
Be what you're becoming
It slips away
And not who you were
It slips away
Grab hold of the here and now while you still have the chance

So are you giving up now?
As for adventures you're had your fill
Who says you're over the hill?
I think it was you and you know very well

You're holding yourself back
(Turn your face to the day)
When you could be doing anything
(Don't just dig your own grave)
When will you treat yourself
(Take with you what you learn)
The same as I do
(Be yourself, now who you were)

I want to see you use your capabilities
Build me an ocean then destroy it with your eyes

from my window seat

so today i picked up my new glasses (spiffy, eh?) and i recognized the guy who got them for me from the back from elementary school, and i think he recognized me too. so i looked at his name tag, and sure enough "eshan" was his name, he had a crush on me in like 6th grade and i didn't like him and i think that's why he didn't say anything. funny. i am a scaredy cat when it comes to that kinda thing! always wait for the other person to recognize me first.. actually i think i am turning into more of a scaredy cat lately. i used to be a big shy wuss before.. for like, ever, then i grew some balls and became less of one, and now i think i am wussy and vulnerable again! geez!
but then i wore my glasses out the store and dang! they are waaaaaay different than my old ones. everything was like warped and bubbly it was so weird to actually see! much different than contacts. i will get used to them.
i'm excited to be leaving on friday. it feels like the home stretch. i had a nice break, even though i just worked. it was good to hang out with my family. i had fun at the dinner party last night! tomorrow hopefully i will hang out with two of my other aunts and uncles, i think it will be fun. i didn't really hang out with my friends at all, and i think as a result i'm much more relaxed. we're on different schedules, i guess, whatever. i think i've realized last year how much i am grateful for my family. all of them, and all of their craziness. on both sides. how can family NOT care? i think sometimes it seems like they don't. "everyone's on different schedules," but when it all boils down, family is family. who cares about all the other bullshit? other people suck. anyways, it's the home stretch. i'm out of reston, this hellhole that i thought i missed, and i can finally have some fun for about a week, get through next semester, and i can live on my own this summer. i can be with steve and friend davey baby!

hmmm

The Wild Rose Random Brutal Love Dreamer (RBLDf)     shmolorful, but unpicked. You are The Wild Rose.     Prone to bouts of cynicism, sarcasm, and thorns, you excite a certain kind of man. Hoping to gather you up, he flirts and winks and asks you out, ultimately professing his love. Then you make him bleed. Why? Because you're the rare, independent, self-sufficient kind of woman who does want love, but not from a weakling.     You don't seem to take yourself too seriously, and that's refreshing. You aren't uptight; you don't over-plan. Romance-wise, sex isn't a top priority--a true relationship would be preferable. For your age, you haven't had a lot of bonafide love experience, though, and this kind of gets to core of the issue. You're very selective. Your exact opposite: The Dirty Little Secret Deliberate Gentle Sex Master     The problem is them, not you, right? You have lofty standards that few measure up to. You're out there all right, but not to be picked up by just anyone. "You're never truly single as long as you have yourself." ALWAYS AVOID: The Bachelor CONSIDER: The Vapor Trail. Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating. My profile name: lime9

restless

so tonight for some reason i am particularly restless. i cannot get sleepy! for the past week all i've been doing is working and then coming home and watching TV all day or sleeping all day or sleeping really a lot going to bed early and waking up late when i can. it has to at least contribute the horrible back and neck pains i've been having lately! sleeping too much in weird positions on our delapidated too small couch. i swear i'm wasting away rotting my brain!! the best i can tell myself the reason for this madness is because i'm just plain exhausted from last semester and my body is recouperating. but! i swear i still need a vacation! a vacation from vacation! when was the last time i took a whole week off work?? hmm... junior year of high school maybe, when i went to the philippines? nnnnooooo! maybe when i went and visited steve this summer. that was one short week.
the other day at work our golden retriever-esque new manager had ordered a christian life magazine that came to the store, and i just went off! it just sparked all those bizarre christian/religious encounters that i've had in the past 9 months to finally come out in full strength and i gurgled out everything that has been bothering me in the whole world when i was talking to steve on the phone. i guess it's good, unbottled all that crap. but honestly! i didn't even realize how much it was consuming me. i'm only 19! and i won't even be only 19 in less than a month and i'm so bitter already! it's scary. it gets a girl wondering. like, was this why my dad failed? am i so much like him, will i fail too? was he just like me, just so bitter so early that it incapacitated him his whole life? i don't know. i know i don't want to be bitter! it's just something i've become in the past year maybe. i don't want to be snappy and throw an attitude towards customers. i'm not some brainwashed starbucks corporation drone who wants to rub cheer in anyone's face, but i definitely don't want to be considered a bitch! today i took the "learning coach training class," yes i know, very cheesy but it's required if i want to make the extra 2 bucks i'd get as a shift, and it's just like wow, this is what life is like when you work retail your whole life. god, i don't want that! but these are the things that you have to believe in order to stay sane in the workplace. you have to believe you are actually making a difference that your job actually "enriches the customers' daily lives," to paraphrase starbucks lingo. holy jesus! i mean it's a perfectly respectable job, after all someone's got to do it, preferably someone smart it just makes life easier for everyone, but i would be a horrible retail job life-r. i'd tear someone's head off eventually! i just have to keep thinking this is something temporary.. after all, everyone at some point has to work a job that they hate. unless you're in some way blessed with never having worked a job you hated, in which i despise you. and you just have to get over it, perservere, know that it's not forever, and you just might as well make the best of it and not make it miserable for everyone! boy have i been miserable. i have been a poophead to a lot of people that don't deserve it! some of them do, yes, but some don't! maybe it isn't that big of a deal, but still i don't like when people are mean to me!
i swear, i hope i reach clarity before the new year. i need everything to go in a new direction. i need to be happy, not miserable, i need the stress to go away! maybe then i could accomplish the things i want to. maybe then i would be inspired like i used to. maybe then i would open my new sewing machine. maybe then i'd stick to some stupid regimen i set for myself so i could be unfat. maybe then my brain wouldn't feel like it's rotting.

schmappy schmolidays!

this is bruce the spruce.
another fun-filled christmas at baroness von dalinksky's. again, i rule at grandma's attic. my portable dvd player was stolen, but that's okay, i didn't really want it anyway. draw #2 proved to be my lucky draw. a much more fun-filled surprise present from grandma's attic. organic lavender laundry detergent and re-useable softener thingies, organic preserves!, vodka filled chocolates, organic DARK chocolate (my favorite!), $40, maple syrup, a very large pinot grigio, and a dwarf spruce! now tell me that is not amazing. favorite part of the night. aside from my "relationship," with God, anyways.
so christmas day is always boring. needless to say i watched 4 movies: fantastic 4, monster-in-law, syriana, and the exorcism of emily rose. then i was scared and did not want to sleep! and on boxing day i read 2 nancy drew stories: Mystery of the 99 Steps, and The Message in the Hollow Oak. why?!? talk about blast from the past..
tralala.. if only i had the inspiration to make things with my new sewing machine!!!!!!!!!!!! how exciting. sometimes mama is okay.
i miss my steviecheese :-(

why are people at the post office so miserable??

so a latenight trip to the merrifield post office reminds me why sometimes i really HATE northern virginia--for the worthless schmucks who think it's okay to be a jerk just b/c their coffee isn't "just right." MerrrrrRRRrr. stupid guy who lives on floyd ave. sending a package to washington. JERK. it's the holidays! why can't people be nice? i'm not asking for little miss peppy cuz i sure as hell am not, but decent... just decent?? just b/c you're some rich poophead who works in DC and drives an expensive minivan and i'm young, work in the service industry, have a lipring, or you think i'm uneducated, or whatever prejudices you may have against me, does not mean you can treat me like crap! i am a person too! and let me tell you mr.--you got it all wrong! i am an intelligent young woman and i'm lightyears ahead of you b/c i'm already working now, making a living for myself, getting an education, so i can be happier and nicer in the future to your stupid kids you drive around in your ugly minivan, ya JERK. and YOU stupid bitch girl, just cuz you're latina and you think you're "ghetto" hot shit, does not mean you can try to intimidate me with the stupidass words that come out of your mouth, b/c i'm just trying to HELP you--"why ya tryin ta throw me an attitude??" cuz first of all i could beat up your fat ass SO bad. and i'm not even kidding. just go ahead and push my buttons cuz i'll beat you up even better. i am a person, a young lady, and i demand respect!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! from all you people. that includes you too, stupid syracuse bitch never worked a day in my life daddy's little rich girls! GARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
now there's some christmas spirit for ya. eat it up.

hum drum

dooot doot dooo....
so for some reason i cannot sleep! i guess that's what'll happen to ya when you take the 1am bus to rochester and stay up late, then go to bed at 10am a couple days later.. sooooo kinda had an unconventional thanksgiving this year.. broke out of the vargas-o'mahoney mold and spent it with steve's family! still kept the turkey day movie tradition. coaxed steve into seeing pride & prejudice w/ me at the little! i like that theater, it has yummy coffee and treats and all the indie films you could want! yayy. the week went by way too fast WAAAY too fast.. thought i'd get more done, but no!
however, i finally got a new cell phone and it's super high tech. it's all color and cameraphone zoomy and you can watch videos on it and it has bluetooth so i can go on the internet and have a crazy headset thing! now i just need to get the crazy headset thing and get the thing to put all my pictures on my computer.. o technology, so crazy.
finally bought a new jacket! worked hard this week and it's getting cold! finally i can be nice and cozy warm.
i love my steve :-) i had a good thanksgiving. i have to stop eating these yummy chocolates marguerite gave me in her care package! they make my heart beat really fast....i don't think that's a good thing..... tra la!